Mother's Day has not always been my favorite holiday. I think it forces our children to sometimes tell "little white lies" about how wonderful their mother is. Truth be told, I haven't felt so wonderful many, MANY times. Mother's carry so much guilt about the "would have, could have, should haves".
As I've been here in Texas without my family for awhile, I've had occasion to think about some of my experiences over the last 38 years as a mother.
It hasn't been easy, in fact sometimes it's been "I can't do this anymore" hard. I think we've all been there (if anyone has NOT been there, why are you still here? You should have already been translated!). However time and age have a way of changing perspectives about the way things were and maybe it's the Lords way of granting us respite from the memories of that difficult journey.
When I think of my own mother at this point in my life, I remember that...
1. My mom was always at school or in the community working on some committee.
2. My mother was quiet; she didn't yell, she didn't cuss, and she always took care of us.
3. My mother had more friends my age than I did. Kids wanted her for THEIR mom.
4. AND, my mother loved us! She never said it. I just knew it.
5. She was unmatched in her love for her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren.
Are these the things I always thought about my mom? Hardly! I thought my mom was so mean! She whacked us with a broom for heavens sake! Sometimes she used a belt. She didn't need to yell or cuss 'cause we knew when she was mad. I knew she didn't love me because she never did as much with me as she did with my sisters. In fact at one point I knew I must have been adopted; I didn't look like my sisters, I wasn't athletic like my sisters. Yup, I must have been adopted!
I only told my mother "I hate you" once; it was, as I look back, a pivotal moment in my life. I left home in anger and made some really bad choices. It was several years before I found solid footing again and started my own family. I started my family with the promise that I would never "be like my mother"!
I failed! I find myself saying things and sounding just like my mother. In fact, I'm very much like my mother...
1. You can often find me at the school or on some committee.
2. Although I AM a yeller and screamer, I've always tried to take care of my family.
3. I have lots of friends that are the same age as my kids AND they think I'm way cool!
4. I love my kids. They are each one different, talented; they come in all shapes and sizes but I love them.
5. I am the luckiest grandma in the whole wide world 'cause my grandchildren are perfect!
Like my mother, I don't say "I love you" enough and I wonder; will my own kids know, like I do, that their mom loved them? Will their memories of "the meanest mom" or "I hate you" be replaced with memories of camping trips, Glamour Shots, and trips to the zoo? I wonder and hope that time will soften their perceptions of the way things were.
Happy Mother's Day!
Much love, VZ
